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I am frequently asked if I think that somebody's drinking is a problem. This is often presented as a list of justifications why the questioner is in fact not drinking in an alcoholic way. However, this question can only be answered for oneself, anything more is just opinion. Below is the World Health Organization’s AUDIT test that help us to assess the state of our relationship with alcohol.  The AUDIT Test for Alcohol AddictionThe AUDIT (Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test) was developed by the World Health Organization (WHO). The test correctly classifies 95% of people into either alcoholics or non-alcoholics. It was tested on 2000 people before being published. To correctly answer some of these questions you need to know the definition of a drink. For this test one drink is: One can of beer (12 oz or approx 330 ml of 5% alcohol), or One glass of wine (5 oz or approx 140 ml of 12% alcohol), or One shot of spirit (1.5 oz or approx 40 ml of 40% alcohol) 1. How often do you have a drink containing alcohol? Never (score 0) Monthly or Less (score 1) 2-4 times a month (score 2) 2-3 times a week (score 3) 4 or more times a week (score 4) 2. How many alcoholic drinks do you have on a typical day when you are drinking? 1 or 2 (0) 3 or 4 (1) 5 or 6 (2) 7-9 (3) 10 or more (4) 3. How often do you have 6 or more drinks on one occasion? Never (0) Less than monthly (1) Monthly (2) Weekly (3) Daily or almost daily (4) 4. How often during the past year have you found that you drank more or for a longer time than you intended? Never (0) Less than monthly (1) Monthly (2) Weekly (3) Daily or almost daily (4) 5. How often during the past year have you failed to do what was normally expected of you because of your drinking? Never (0) Less than monthly (1) Monthly (2) Weekly (3) Daily or almost daily (4) 6. How often during the past year have you had a drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session? Never (0) Less than monthly (1) Monthly (2) Weekly (3) Daily or almost daily (4)  7. How often during the past year have you felt guilty or remorseful after drinking? Never (0) Less than monthly (1) Monthly (2) Weekly (3) Daily or almost daily (4) 8. How often during the past year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because of your drinking? Never (0) Less than monthly (1) Monthly (2) Weekly (3) Daily or almost daily (4) 9. Have you or anyone else been injured as a result of your drinking? No (0) Yes, but not in the past year (2) Yes, during the past year (4) 10. Has a relative, friend, doctor, or health care worker been concerned about your drinking, or suggested that you cut down? No (0) Yes, but not in the past year (2) Yes, during the past year (4) Your score: If you scored 8-10 or more, you are probably addicted to alcohol. It may seem like the AUDIT questionnaire is an easy test to fail. If you applied this test to other aspects of your life you will almost certainly come up as being addicted to something. For example, most people watch too much television, social media or eat too much of their favorite food. But those are so-called "soft addictions", and the AUDIT questionnaire was not designed to assess them. It is extremely reliable when it comes to assessing alcohol addiction. The sad fact is that many people do not take action before it is too late. If you haven't scored very well in this test, then now could be the right time to address the life issues that cause you to use alcohol as a part of a coping strategy. At Soul Recovery Andalusia we offer programs to help you with these issues.
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How would you describe your first tentative steps into recovery? How did you make it through? How fragile were you?  It is hard to clearly recall much of my first few months in recovery as I spent most of my time in a groggy haze and a whirlwind of emotions. Dizzy mood swings took me through fear, extreme change, exhilarating gratitude, guilt, self loathing, pride, loneliness, depression and self doubt all at the same time. I felt vulnerable for the first time since my schooldays. “I can't go on” was an almost daily mountain in my way. Sweaty night terrors disturbed my fragile sleep, I was losing weight, appetite and strength, but I was desperate for change, I had no choice, so total was my downfall that this was my only hope.  I had expected some kind of withdrawal symptoms and a need to detoxify, but I had no idea that the residual effects would go on for so long. Physically my body could not be relied on to perform the tasks I asked. I was irritatingly clumsy and simple actions were unpredictable, mentally I was only semi conscious, logical thought became arduous, and spiritually I was nursing the tiny glint that had survived the catastrophe. Foolishly, I thought that all I had to do was stop the drinking, the drugs, the ‘me’, ‘me’, ‘me’, then all would be fine again. I thought I could be selective in numbing my feelings, my fears. The truth was that I had numbed everything and in moments of clarity it all came rushing back, I was totally unprepared for all of that. I wanted rewards for my efforts, trumpets and cheering crowds, instead I got mercilessly beaten up by guilt, regret and shame.  Me, a.k.a. Chalkie White, in the good old, bad old days I contacted the local self help group who gladly took me under their wings. My first meeting was terrifying, I questioned everything and vowed never to go back. I did however go back. In time I realized that if I side-stepped the dogma, then the fellowship of kindred spirits, with a genuine desire to help, provided me with some welcomed comfort. They accepted me, as unconventional as I was, and roared with laughter when I told them I thought my destiny was to be a rock god, but I had ended up in the Salvation Army Band. Through these individuals I learnt that, although our paths may be different, we walk together during certain stretches, helping each other along the way, all bound to our individual destinies.  I got through my first few months, by grace more than effort, because somehow I felt ‘held’ in those moments of despair. This feeling of ‘being held’ brought with it the realization that my ‘illness’, with all its facets, was an ‘illness’ of the soul that abstinence alone would not heal. True recovery for me would only be possible by nurturing and nourishing the glint that had survived, to build up enough strength to address the hidden wounds.
Listening to my inner voice and redefining my life’s purpose reignited the flame that was completely wiped out by abuse. At that point I felt that I wasn't just recovering from drunkenness but I had at last started to heal my wounded soul. ***If you feel that you would like to share your own experiences, I would love to hear from you.***  It has been 16 years since I experienced a so-called 'dark night of the soul'. Not as a result of a spiritual practice, like the 16th century's mystic San Juan who coined the expression, but at the rock bottom of a depression that had been hibernating ever since the domestic madness of my youth came to an end. During the winter of the new millenium, a depression took me deeper into oblivion then ever before. After 8 months fighting the thickening fog, trying not to fall in the abyss of the growing void and to keep engaged in my work and relationship, I eventually came to understand that my thinking mind was not going to help me; in fact, that it was working against me. My mind was filled with a thick tenacious substance and I was exhausted from trying to find my way out, it just didn't move in any direction. I was lost. Sitting on an island with a thick glass wall around it, not able to connect or make real contact with anybody, and not knowing how to get off. Not knowing anything at all. I'd had lingering thoughts about suicide for a long time already, but now at 40, I perceived it as the only way out of this miserable life and I wanted to prepare myself for when the moment was there. *·.·*·.·*·.*·.·*·.·*·.*·.·*·.·*·.*·.·*·.·*·.*·.·*·.·*·.*·.·*·.·*·.·* One of those days, laying on the settee in my living room, I started to visualize how I would do it, envisioning the whole process step-by-step; the letters that I wanted to write, what I would do with my cats, the last goodbye's, the last words to my partner, the thoughts of doubt that might come up, every tiny detail. Finally, after 30 or 40 minutes of careful visualization, when I had left everyting and everybody behind, passed the point of no return in my visualization and felt that all attachment, fear and resistance had left me, I became totally calm.. and then something unexpected happened. Deep inside me something burst open and I felt a fountain of pure, unconditional love coming out of the depths of my self. Being flooded with pure love after having gone through so much pain and despair, I couldn't stop crying and being in awe at the same time. This is what the dark night of the soul in essence is about; it is the death of the old and rebirth of a new you, with accompanying labor pains. The experience of the void appears to be a call, a call to embody your truest self and to find the fullness in the depths of the void by surrendering to the unknown.  But I didn't know this at the time, not even that I'd undergone a dark night of the soul. In the days and weeks that followed, I discovered that although this all-encompassing love did come from within, somehow it was its own source. I had little to do with it, it seemed, I didn't need to feed it or care for it, just being the vessel where it could come through. I realized that by letting go of all attachments and surrendering totally, I had gone out of my own way and was free and open for this flow of unconditional love that expanded over the next couple of weeks. I wish I could tell you that I lived happily ever after, but that's not the case. I was pretty much on my own and had no idea how to proceed after this experience, so unfortunately and to my utter frustration, after a few blissful weeks my old ingrained thought patterns got the best of me. However, my heart was broken open, because a flood of forgotten feelings and emotions that I had been dissociated from since my youth, especially anger, came washing over me. I was in a rage. And I was in a mess. Yes, it had been an awakening, but 'after the party comes the laundry'.. it was just the beginning of a long journey.  What brought real lasting change was taking on a course of energy healing and deciding that I was going to take full responsibility for my health. I found out that I could balance and change my energy field through a consistent daily practice, and come to perceive my past, present and future in a new way. The result of that was amazing, physically, mentally and emotionally. Until today, self-inquiry and shadow work help me to learn to bow my head and take of my armour of limiting beliefs, which are all based on fear. A beautiful side-effect of consistently paying attention to and caring for our inner life, is that we become much more receptive to the inner voice that is guiding us. And as we become more and more honest and authentic, love what we are doing, love who we are with, including ourselves, depression gives way to the joy of an evergrowing feeling of fullness and love. If you are on the edge of giving up, please, reach out to someone near, a therapist, a mentor, or contact me. I am only one call or one message away. “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi |
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