Years I’ve struggled with feelings of guilt. I felt that I had failed as a human, unworthy. One day a friend pointed out that it was my limited self, my ego, that didn't allow me any failures or mistakes and prevented me from growing further, ‘out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing’. Whatever it was what had happened, I couldn’t make it undone, it was already woven in the tapestry of my life and the ones involved. These feelings of guilt kept me small and held me hostage in the past. Even worse, I allowed myself to be kept small and held hostage in the past.
What would man be without good friends! It became clear that, if I wanted to be free, I had to let go of this burden. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to forgive myself as I despised what I'd done.
Fast forward a few years later. I recognized what the great poet Rumi had said in ‘the cure of the pain is in the pain’. In this case, that meant that I had to let go of the contempt itself, as that was the pain, and to fire up my belief in the power of love and compassion. When I did, it was like learning to love myself unconditionally for the first time. Superficially it felt as an act of rebellion against my wannabe super-self, but soon it sank deeper and softened me, and more forgiveness followed. It took the form of a real cleanse over several months and with every act of kindness towards myself I peeled off another layer of shame, sadness and pretense, making me feel more true and open to what I am.
Forgiveness comes down to love. Faith in the power of love. The love that you are, that you feel as an inseparable force in you, that you share with and recognize in others. It is sooo strong, YOU are so strong. It can make you feel loved despite all and everything, it doesn’t keep a score of what you did and didn't and it never dies. When you trust enough, do surrender to it and “When you are in the state of surrender, you will reject anything that gets between you and your relationship with God [Love].”